An Idiot’s Analysis of 3rd Party Candidates for Governor of Minnesota

October 27, 2010 at 12:33 am (PoliTic-Tacs) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It is the solemn duty of any civic-minded idiot with too much time on their hands to research the candidates whose names will appear on the ballot they will be handed on Election Day.

By the time November 2nd rolls around, anyone with any intention to vote has heard enough about the major candidates to form an opinion of them.  But what about all of those other boxes to check?  To whom do those belong?

Chris Wright- Legalize It Party Grassroots Party

If you enjoy Adult Swim and microwave burritos, Chris Wright is your candidate.  The main plank of the Grassroots Party platform is the legalization of hemp in all its forms.  The official website features a rare propaganda film that goes into exhaustive detail about the intricacies of hemp cultivation and production. 

"You ever research political candidates... on weed?"

It is recommended viewing for anyone curious about the best time to shuck hemp stalks or what twine making looks like.  Also, some people report that it is awesome to watch when stoned.

The other positions presented, taken together, seem like a Dr. Moreau-esque blend of libertarianism and socialism.  On the one hand, Wright proposes a single payer healthcare system, free education for life, and a constitutional amendment to end corporate personhood.  On the other hand, he advocates against helmet laws, the federal act making failure to wear a seatbelt a primary offense, and “The War on Drugs”. 
He also proposes to provide 200mbps broadband access to all of Minnesota by 2015- because the Internet is the best place to get brownie recipes and blacklight Fantasia posters.

Linda Eno- The Them Darn Injuns Party Resource Party

Linda Eno had a dream- she wanted to run a fisherperson’s paradise on Mille Lacs Lake.  But then, as happens to all dreams, the Natives came along and litigated it into a nightmare.  What’s a person to do?  Why, run for governor, of course.

The oddest parts of the official Resource Party website are the frequent and sometimes contradictory references to Native Americans.  They advocate the dissolution of reservations, under the pretext that they are tantamount to apartheid.  They want to revoke the tax-exempt status of tribal councils- who are likened to tyrannical gangsters.  The Resource Party believes that “[t]he U.S. Constitution must be a guide at all times”, but doesn’t hold slightly younger documents- like the Mille Lacs Treaty- in such high regard.

In what must be the most tone-deaf section, The Resource Party has this to say about healthcare:

“When faced with paying their own health care bills, with their own money, people will quickly learn to live a healthier lifestyle while also building personal wealth.”

 Well, that’s certainly worked well so far, huh?

Ken Pentel- The “Cool” Liberal Arts College Professor Party Ecology Democracy Party

There had to be an eco-hippy in here somewhere (there always is), but one wouldn’t think it was Ken Pentel just by looking at him.

Like all environmentally conscious candidates, Pentel and his Ecology Democracy Party make appropriately vague statements about “restoring our relationship with the Earth”. 

"Let's keep this on the down-low, baby..."

Of course, that raises the question: if the Earth is so great, why are we trying so hard to hook up with Mars?

The majority of campaign issues that don’t revolve around ecology involve paving the way for future candidacies- campaign finance reform and easier, freer access to public airtime.

What is most… unique about Pentel’s platform is his proposal for a Minnesota currency; an idea that few would think of and even fewer would voice aloud.  However, no one- no one! could resist paying for that Diet Coke with a purple bill emblazoned with the face of Prince Rogers Nelson.

You don't have to be rich...

Pentel has been campaigning across the state by bicycle and canoe, because that’s how hippies travel.  His website includes a lot of pictures of people wearing cargo shorts and the perfunctory gray-ponytail-and-beard man.

Unlike Chris Wright, Ken Pentel doesn't seem to have a problem with helmet laws.


Now, at the polls on Tuesday, some of those other names on that ballot won’t be strangers.  Of course, it doesn’t matter because the winner will be a write-in candidate:

I'm Prince and I approved this message.

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